When I was 11, my mom decided to move back and live in our hometown permanently. But it wasn't her first intention at all. The truth is, my stepfather was chased down by loan shark lenders. Afraid for their life, my stepfather and my mom decided to flee to our hometown at dawn. My mom rented a house in the same neighborhood as my second and third aunts. She welcomed my brother to live with her, but never asked me whether I would do the same. My brother has been living with her ever since, while I stayed still with my aunt. When I was 12, I tried to live with my dad, but I was bullied at school and my stepmother’s treatments towards me were not good either. I think most of the cursing words I’d came to know were from her. It lasted for 6 months until I decided to run away to my aunt’s. My dad asked about what had happened but I never tell him anything even until today. I don’t want to ruin his second marriage. I never told my other family members about that bullies as well, not until few months ago when I went to see a psychiatrist. After my brother's relentless persuasion, at 13, I decided to give it a try with my mom. I thought she had changed, but apparently not. Though there’s no more physical abuse, but psychological abuse were no less. When I asked for school allowance, she will yell at me and said she don’t have money (as a matter of fact, my brother still asked money from her until today, at the age of 34 yo, and she never ran out of money). She told me to ask money from my dad, and not from her. Sometimes, I ended up not eating anything at school because I don't have money to buy foods. Rarely I borrowed money from my friends unless I'm sure that I can pay them back. One time and another, my friends will treat me with something out of pity. Things got easier on me when my aunt asked me to work for her on weekends. I used that salary to support myself at school. That's how I learnt to become self-sufficient. I never asked money from my mom again. At the same time, I was struggling with accounting and additional math at school. I can't cope with it. It was indeed a turbulent year for me and I was so depressed due to conflicts at home and school. And my mom’s unfair treatment and presence brought back my childhood nightmares to life. That same year, I attempted suicide. Few months prior to that, I bought a knife and kept it hidden in my room. I always had a recurring thought about wanting to kill my entire family, and myself after that. That night, she was so upset when my stepdad told her that I didn't look after my younger brothers while he was busy. Due to that, she told me to leave the house. She cast me out! I locked myself in my room and was crying happily. I felt contented to make her outburst with anger. Feeling satisfied, angry, hatred, sad, determined, I grabbed my knife and decided to thrust my heart with it. I closed my eyes, but at the final moment, I was startled to hear a voice telling me not to. It was the first and the last time I heard that voice. That voice belonged to a man and I could heard him well when he said "Don't". I opened my eyes and looked around but saw nobody. I checked to see if my door was properly locked, and it did. I decided to re-attempt, but saw the word "ALLAH" in Arabic soon after I closed my eyes. I felt weak on my knees and dropped my knife right after that. Allah saved me that night. He spared my life that I was so keen to throw away. The next day, I told my mom that I want to quit school. She was so upset and said I’m crazy for saying something like that. My uncles and aunts showed concern and were worried about my condition. My first aunt asked whether I would like to switch school and move back to live with her again. Days after that, I told her I don’t want to go to another school, but I want to change my accounting course to art and I don’t want to live with my mom anymore.
I know I’m not normal. I always knew that I’m an introvert. But there’s so much more that I don’t quite understand of myself. I read a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. The book is like an encyclopedia of everything people need to know about introversion. Based on the book, most of my behavior signifies of me being an introvert. But most introvert don’t hate people, not lack of sympathy and empathy, not an emotional zombie, and they don’t hate social gatherings at all. When I first met my psychiatrist, he told me that I’m having a chronic depression since it’s all started from my childhood. That depression affected and shaped my entire personality. To me, it explains why I don’t want to jump into a commitment and get married, why I became an abuser myself and hit my younger brothers a lot without a slight regret or sympathy, why I always felt that it’s okay to use violence when I’m angry, why I hate most people and don’t really care if they say they hate me as well, why I hate kids because I saw my-burden-self in them, or why I was diagnosed with hypertension at the age of 20 yo. I hate my parents for turning me into this, and I hate myself even more because I let myself to. I had a boyfriend I’ve been with for 10 years, but finally I told him to find someone else because I was too scared to get married. I’m so prone to violence that I don’t think I ever want a child of my own. The thought itself makes me shudder with dread. I don’t want to create another me. Being an emotional zombie scares me the most. I remember when I thrust my brother's rear knee with a newly sharpen pencil without being afraid, sympathy, or regret of what I did. And I was only 7 yo! His was bleeding like hell, but what I did was resharpened that pencil because the tip was broken into 2. I guess another half of the tip was stuck in my brother's flesh. That was when I realized that anger and violence had took full control of me. When i'm insanely angry, I think I could beaten somebody to death. That's why it's better for me to be a loner.